If I could, I would

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Not “here” as in the universe- don’t worry, I love life too much for that.

My “here” is this school. More specifically, “here” is this bubble of sadness and loneliness that I feel while at this school.

It’s not the institution’s fault, and I recognize that perhaps this bubble is of my own creation. Whether it is or not, though, I want to leave.

I’m tired of spending day after day pretending everything is alright. Pretending that the girls on my team I thought were my friends don’t actually exclude me. Pretending that I’m comfortable in my skin and that I’m okay with being very seldom asked to hang out (it happens about once a month- twice if people are feeling particularly generous).

If I could afford to, I would leave now. Have my parents drive down, pack my bags, and move out without saying goodbye.

If I could, I would commute back and forth to my classes (I really do enjoy the ones I’m taking, now that I dropped O Chem). I would be on campus the required amount of time then go home to a place I felt loved each night.

If I could, I would transfer to the school where Mitchell is because I love the campus, the atmosphere, and I’ve met more people who seem willing to talk to me there during the few times I’ve visited than I have during the past 3 semesters here.

If I could, I would go back in time and form new friendships with people who might actually still want me around. At this point, a lot of people have solidified their groups, so it’s difficult to join a new friend group. (Maybe this is an excuse. If I could, I would be more brave.)

If I could, I would channel my sadness and anxiety into fuel to do better. To run faster, to study harder, and to prove to others that they were wrong to ever underestimate me. But I’ve tried, and each time I work to turn my feelings into fuel, I’m left crying on the side of the road (often literally, since I’ll run wherever).

If I could, I would transfer to the school of my best friend, Emma. I don’t really know how that would work, but if I could, I would.

There are many things I would do if I could, but the truth of the matter is that I just can’t right now. There are variables I can aim to change, such as my perspective, and I can try to summon up the energy to go out more and maybe meet new people. But right now, everything seems exhausting.

If I could, I would sleep for a day because it would be one less day to feel the way I do now.